The Coffee House Orator by Edgar Bundy
Ladies and Gentlemen: You have been assigned the task of creating an overblown mini-oration staggering under the weight of as many of the tropes and schemes we have learned to recognize as you can possibly cram in! Your oration must be limited to 250 words. Please blog these blowsy speechlettes as comments to this post. I will then recompile the best among them in a post of their own. I look forward to reading your orations and expect to be deeply moved. They should be full of rhetorical flourishes and well inflated with hot air.
4 comments:
Fellow schoolmates, rabbis, and teachers,
We are here to impact the future. To help the needy. To finance the poor. To rid the world of bullies. This is why we gather bring change! A positive change! To solve these horribly horrific crises, we are here to announce fantastic news.
I come here to tell you my fellow classmates, teachers, and rabbis that we have a serious non-problem. Avi Goldstein, a banana-head, butt-chinned, barnacle, has usurped Rabbi Lubetski as school principal. He may have bullied you like noxious smoke bellows out of a factory tower—continuously and uncontrollably, and his tirade in the holy land has only made him more demonic. Despite your fear reliving past horrors, I have a prophetic dream.
The dream is simple, like our impending “problem.” But unlike our “problem,” this dream just might work.
When Avi steps into the building for the first time and has a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up, we must bully him like Jake Baum bullies his fellow classmates. When he is most vulnerable, I shall finish him and send him back to the holy land where he will continue to fail. In order to successfully finish him, we must band together like a rubber band ball- unyielding and bouncy as ever.
I need your help. Ask not what your president can do for you, but what you can do for your president.
Presidential Address
My fellow Americans, today we are faced with the most crucial crisis of the century. We must come together as one nation, under G-d, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all of those who live in our country. It is as though a black cloud hangs over our country, and we must stir up our patriotic feelings. We must squash this troubling tragedy like a fly. On this warm summer day, we stand chilled to the bone. Together, we can fight this injustice, but if you stand against me evil will prevail. I stand before you today with a call to bear arms, and with the hope that you will understand my concerns, and with the desire that you will help us vanquish all that has threatened the safety of our country- the grotesque mistreatment of our country’s socks.
I have noticed that many people who now dwell in our country don’t have empathy for their socks: Is it just to treat socks in this despicable manner? Look down at your feet. Who among you is wearing shoes on top of your socks? You go outside to take out the garbage, or bring in the news, or retrieve your mail, and you wear nothing but socks. What was once white and clean is now imbued, stained with dirt and smudged by the ground which tears holes into their souls. And what is worse is that the socks are worn continuously, without being washed, growing rancid like a dead animal surrounded by flies for days. We defile them. Once they are put in the laundry, they are forgotten, and they weep for days, waiting to be washed and found. And you- vulgar, unethical country of mine!- just take out a new fresh pair. Finally, when they’ve been cleaned, people don’t care enough to pair them up. You wear them mismatched, disregarding their very souls. Let us all beware, let us all take care, let us all come together to correct our mistakes, for I fear if we don’t the socks shall raze our country to the ground. On your feet, my cellow fitizens, more than mine, will rest the success or failure of the country’s socks.
Good night.
--Sharon Soleman, Carmit Soleman, Zahava Gersten
Presidential Address
My fellow Americans, today we are faced with the most crucial crisis of the century. We must come together as one nation, under G-d, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all of those who live in our country. It is as though a black cloud hangs over our country, and we must stir up our patriotic feelings. We must squash this troubling tragedy like a fly. On this warm summer day, we stand chilled to the bone. Together, we can fight this injustice, but if you stand against me evil will prevail. I stand before you today with a call to bear arms, and with the hope that you will understand my concerns, and with the desire that you will help us vanquish all that has threatened the safety of our country- the grotesque mistreatment of our country’s socks.
I have noticed that many people who now dwell in our country don’t have empathy for their socks: Is it just to treat socks in this despicable manner? Look down at your feet. Who among you is wearing shoes on top of your socks? You go outside to take out the garbage, or bring in the news, or retrieve your mail, and you wear nothing but socks. What was once white and clean is now imbued, stained with dirt and smudged by the ground which tears holes into their souls. And what is worse is that the socks are worn continuously, without being washed, growing rancid like a dead animal surrounded by flies for days. We defile them. Once they are put in the laundry, they are forgotten, and they weep for days, waiting to be washed and found. And you- vulgar, unethical country of mine!- just take out a new fresh pair. Finally, when they’ve been cleaned, people don’t care enough to pair them up. You wear them mismatched, disregarding their very souls. Let us all beware, let us all take care, let us all come together to correct our mistakes, for I fear if we don’t the socks shall raze our country to the ground. On your feet, my cellow fitizens, more than mine, will rest the success or failure of the country’s socks.
Good night.
--Sharon Soleman, Carmit Soleman, Zahava Gersten
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a vision. I dreamt last night that I was riding a bus, and do you know who was driving that bus? The Lord almighty. I asked the Lord why He was driving the bus, and without saying anything, he gave me the speech I recite before you today.
Many politicians stand up on this podium and fill our brains with untruths, but I stand before you as a honest and common man, and to do this I must shave the sideburns of deceit from the face of honesty. We must not ask what our comrade can do for us, but what we can do for our comrade, for this will lead to peace among our enemies, thus removing most if not all of the problems we face today. Accomplishing this, however, is not an overnight endeavor. This issue entails constant work for years on end, never wavering from our ultimate goal of peace and harmony. How we are going to get there can be summarized in one word: Change. At first glance, change can seem intimidating, but venturing out of one’s comfort zone is the most rewarding experience imaginable. The men who have stood here before me found change intimidating, and this is the very reason we are digging our own graves today. Countless men have been killed in order to build the wonderful country we can call home today, and we must reward their maximal sacrifice by making the most of this nation’s unlimited potential.
Post a Comment