WINDBAGGING

WINDBAGGING

The following oratorical outbursts are comprised of a variety of tropes and schemes designed to maximize the rhetorical effect of some pretty pointless content.



SPREADING THE WORD …

To all you people who are hungry, who haven’t eaten since breakfast, go eat one of these. It’s smooth – it’s sticky – it’s succulent – all at the same time! It’s the Yin Yang of lunchtime experience. Our mouths crave the desired taste. Stuck on the roof of my mouth it is – a mouthful of smooth crunchiness. The goodness of its flavor, the goodness of its texture, the goodness of every bite makes you long for another. It melts in your mouth, and its bread will satiate you and comfort you in a time of need. Wouldn’t you like a scrumptious PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH?? Yes??? Then spread the jam and spread the word and spread it on thick!

Molly Bracha
Rachel Rubenstein
Shoshana Somers


LET US PRAISE…

Let us praise pasty peanut butter as it combines with a generous glob of juicy jelly. Whether your brand be Jif or Skippy, Smucker’s or Polaner, when put together in the form of a sandwich, they are all worthy. It’s the perfect combination of sweet and salty, the perfect combination of creamy and juicy. It’s not just peanut and jelly – it’s jelly and peanut butter. Eat it when it’s fresh, dispose of it when it molds. It takes the staff of life to a whole new level – it’s the manna of the New World. Take two slices of bread, spread the PB and J with a knife, devour wholeheartedly. The two condiments combine to create something extraordinary-the peanut butter is thick and creamy, the jelly is cold and refreshing. Let us all come together to recognize and enjoy this culinary wonder. Eat a sandwich.

Maddie Tavin
Jordana Wender



VALEDICTORIAN

Upon the shoulders of the great men and women who have taken the podium I stand before you. I would like to thank my parents who gave me this education, my teachers who taught me, my classmates who picked on me, my principle who put up with me, the janitor who picked up my mess, the cafeteria ladies who made me eat my veggies, the nurse who got me out of class, the coach who said, Suck it up princess” … shall I go on? I am your masterpiece. Study we may, but learning we aren’t. If only we could swallow knowledge. This sorrowful celebration brings the ending of the beginning, and with this diploma in hand, the future is mine. As our hearts beat together, together we can beat the future.

Yosef Gersten
Jonathan Tavin


HOMEBOYS

Professors claim hours of history hereby hone intellectual homeboys. Yet this is hardly true. Gather forth, fellow homeboys. Hearken to my word, and to my word hearken forth. Glorified by psalms and song, David lay king. Glorified by hip-hop, us homeboys shall reign supreme. Jumbles of words, amalgams of beats, numerous narcotics, rivers of goose, and bawdy bling shall catapult us to unconfounded heights. Success pursued and mediocrity detested. Hip-hop calls to us homeboys; like iron pulled to a magnet, us homeboys gravitate to the lyrics and beats of southside streets, Harlem's Ruckers Park, and ATL clubs and armed with crunk creativity, violent passion, and ebonic jargon, homeboys shall rhyme 'til the end of time.

Ariel Cooper
Luky Guigui


LUNARITA

This is a speech given by the President of a fictional revolutionary, democratic country of liberty, called Lunarita (loo-NAIR-i-tuh) when his country is facing a terrifying attack from an evil, conquering country, called Spailiano (spail-ee-AH-no), to his entire, beloved country. It encompasses all of the tropes and schemes we learned, and many other literary devices. I hope you enjoy this powerful piece of rhetoric.

My fellow citizens—we have a crisis on our hands. Since the day our forefather Petacrillafer set foot in this land and called it Lunarita, we have been free. Day and night we roam freely in the streets. Day and night we speak of what we wish. Day and night we dine with our families in peace. My friends—all of this, I fear, may change. We are facing an attack from the evil country of Spailiano.
We are the most peaceful of all countries. The Spailianians rage wildly and mock death. They will try to kill us off: they'll burn our food supply, torture our families, raid our homes, and bomb our fields. We must all unite to fight and never succumb to fright! Join me! To fight for our freedom is honorable; to fight for our lives is imperative. We must fight to regain our liberty, and we must fight to prevent our death.
I must first warn you of the perils of war. Fight with all that resides inside you, but do not let the fight reside inside you. Make your slaughter an honorable one; kill for the sake of life! It is of the utmost importance to maintain a righteous state of mind in this era of darkness and to treat this war that is, albeit gruesome, ever honorable, as a summoning of duty to your fellow man.

I must also warn you of the nature of this evil country, Spailiania.

Such savage, senseless, stupid skunks! Such is the Spailianian species of sorry substitutes for sane citizens, who sneak and slither as slimy snakes and steal silently as soon as the sun sets. They slyly spy successfully, seeing secrets and sending such to the Spailianian senators. Those sickening, soulless, selfish, spawn of Satan and sons of skanks, who seldom smirk or smile, but simply scowl sourly and stare scornfully with spite and a sense of sarcasm. Such sinister, self centered scoundrels who spit at sensitivity! They swing and slash their swords of steel and slice spontaneously, striking their spears at sad, solemn civilians. There's no stopping these smoking serpents. We must stand strong so we can save our skins and see salvation speedily!

My people—we will get through this. We will live to see this country free again—see its people laughing, playing, singing, living...

This country is the moon. It shines bright, roaming freely around the whole world. Mankind struggled to reach it for ages and finally we are here. It is the source of light in a world of darkness. Month after month we are back again, and we reach our brightest when we are balanced in the middle. My fellow citizens—I am making you a promise. This eclipse will end.

The epitome of evil, the messengers of death, the raging villains who want nothing more than to cause death, are coming to meet us with a gift—one that we dread and try to prevent at all cost, that mankind has thought throughout the ages—and this is the gift of death. Those of you who would like to accept it, feel free. Just know that when you take a gift from an enemy, you are forever entrapped in his clutches; you will belong to him. To those of you who wish to reject this gift, I say one thing: let us reject as one! Are we to stand here and let freedom be eliminated from the lives of our children? This country cannot be free of fighting if we need to fight to be free! Freedom is in their hands to kill, so my hand is ready to kill for freedom!

My people—the moon is crying. It tastes evil in its midst. We must wipe its tears with swords of liberty and emerge from this shadow of death. If they seek to destroy the light of the night, then knights we shall become, and light we shall restore! To ensure that the heart of freedom beats yet, we must beat its attackers in war! Join with me, my friends, for the sun is setting fast. We will defeat these demons, and mark my words – Lunarita will live to see freedom once more, and forever after!

Ariav Schlesinger